The power is yours. Whether your relationship simply needs some
fine-tuning or whether it is in serious trouble, you will be amazed at
how much relationship-healing you can do all by yourself.
And if you are not in a relationship, there are many ways of
approaching potential mates in a new and welcoming manner. Here are just
six of the many suggestions from
The Feel the Fear Guide to Lasting Love to get you started:
As I see it, a
relationship has two important purposes - a Practical Purpose and a
Higher Purpose. The Practical Purpose of a relationship is simply to
have someone with whom to share our lives. Traveling the road together
can be a joyous experience. But sometimes problems with money, sex,
children, work and the like can make the journey together very
difficult. It is for this reason that we need to have a
Higher Purpose.
The Higher Purpose of a relationship is learning how to become a more
loving person - despite what problems come up. It is our using all the
problems as a vehicle for seeing what we need to work on within
ourselves to keep love in our heart.
Too often, we blame our mate instead of realizing that this is a
great time for learning and growing. As we blame our mate, anger and
resentment build. If, however, we focus on the Higher Purpose, that of
becoming a more loving person, the outcome can be very different.
Problems can become a plus instead of a minus. We learn, we grow, we
are filled with creativity, we take responsibility, we feel strong and
our love for our mate grows. There is no question that it is through our
Higher Purpose that we ultimately experience the exquisite beauty of
real love.
What
does that mean? The magnifying glass represents our symbolically
pointing a finger and blaming our mates for our unhappiness. Not good!
The mirror represents our looking inward and taking responsibility not
only for our actions but also for our
REACTIONS to what is going on in
the relationship.
The mirror is self-awareness, and self-awareness is the first step toward positive change.
An example:
***
The magnifying glass: I am angry because he/she is taking time away from me to spend time with his/her friends.
***
The mirror: Is my life so limited that I can't function without him/her for
a few hours? It's time for me to take responsibility to create more
balance In my life so that I don't feel empty and needy when he/she is
not around.
Neediness is an emotion created by
fear and is therefore one of the prime destroyers of love. It stands to
reason that if we are feeling needy, consciously or unconsciously, we
are always trying to manipulate our mate with the desperate hope that
they will make us feel whole.
Neediness causes us to protect ourselves at the expense of our mate,
to close our hearts, to judge our mates and blame them for our
unhappiness, to become angry, resentful and defensive. Not a pretty
picture!
We can handle the neediness by building a rich life for ourselves
that involves our commitment to family, friends, career, volunteering,
and so on. This allows us to be "safely vulnerable" always knowing, that
no matter what happens in our relationship, our life is full and we
have much to contribute to this world.
In this way, our neediness disappears. And our ability to open our
heart to love without fear increases dramatically. We become a magnet to
all that is good in this world...and that includes a truly wonderful
relationship.
Science is proving
that feelings are contagious. This means that if you think and act
lovingly, your partner will actually "catch" that loving energy. You
become a model that evokes love in your mate. And the whole nature of
the relationship begins to move in the direction of love.
Of course, the opposite is true as well. If you think and act
un-lovingly, your partner will "catch" that un-loving energy. You become
a model that evokes conflict in your mate. And you know where conflict
leads...often to the end of the relationship.
Bottom line: If you are feeling resentful, negative, disdainful and
the like with your mate, work on changing your energy to one of love,
appreciation, and caring. It can make all the difference in the world.
First make a list
of all the characteristics you want your mate to have. It could look
like this: loving, thoughtful, warm, considerate, caring, appreciative,
romantic, generous. Now for the big challenge...pick up the mirror and
begin developing these qualities in yourself.
You may be someone who resists this challenge. But how can we ask our
mates to be something we have been unwilling to be ourselves? Also, as
you just learned, loving behavior is contagious.
Just incorporating all these loving qualities within our own being
can dramatically alter the thoughts and actions of our mate. Also,
remember the Higher Purpose of your relationship...and that is to become
a more loving person. This is a perfect opportunity to do so.
We have to learn to notice and openly
express thanks for the beautiful things our mate does for us. (And if
you can't find anything to thank him/her for, then why are you there?)
It makes our mate feel so good when we let him/her know the things we
appreciate about him/her. And it encourages him/her to continue doing
beautiful things.
Remember that every relationship has its good and every relationship
has its bad. By focusing on the bad, we starve. By focusing on the good,
we thrive...allowing us to creatively and lovingly deal with the bad.
So begin right now by appreciating all that your mate does in your
life. Don't let another day pass before you say "
Thank you for being in my life. I love you." Say it today...and say it often. It may take time
to push through any resistance you may be feeling, but keep pushing.
Eventually you will get yourself on the side of love.
Yes, the power is yours. No matter what the state of your
relationship, it offers you an incredible opportunity for learning and
growing. It is definitely worth all the effort you put into it.
Why? A loving relationship feels sublime and brings you great joy; it
makes life sweeter and easier. You delight in your ability to give to
your mate; you feel abundant as you take in the love that he/she gives
to you. Just sharing the journey with someone you love...it doesn't get
any better than that.
Now remember your challenge: See if you can apply the essence of
these tools to everyone in your life. Practice, practice, practice...and
watch how slowly, but surely, they help you lovingly connect with the
entire world around you.
Magic!
Note: While this article deals with finding and maintaining a
beautiful relationship with your mate, it also contains the essence of
creating beautiful connections in all areas of your life...your work,
your friends, your family...and so on. Here's your challenge: Pull out
the essence of the following six essentials and apply them to everyone
in your life. As you do this, watch how they help you touch with love
the entire world around you.